Am I not pretty enough
Is my heart too broken
Do I cry too much
Am I too outspoken
Don’t I make you laugh
Should I try it harder
Why do you see right through me?

Yup. Still depressed. I think I’ve pretty much gotten over Jake and have accepted the fact that I lost my chance before I even had it. Someday, maybe, I’ll find myself a guy who I like and who likes me back as much in return. Someone I’m attracted to. Someone who is, hopefully, reasonably hot. But then I start thinking, what if I don’t? What if this is all I’m destined for, unrequited attraction from random parties involved in my life? Well, granted my rare recent experiences of interaction with guys don’t provide a good basis to judge the rest of my life on, but what I’ve seen so far is not shaping up well. Then all that thinking leads to the thought: why is it that I only seem to attract the less attractive ones? Am I just sending out all the wrong signals to all the wrong guys? My mind goes spiralling downwards to the pessimistic conclusion that maybe… because they’re less attractive they don’t want to aim for the pretty ones because they know they won’t have a chance. And the reason they’re seeking after me is because I look attainable. And then – shit, am I really that hideous?

Sure, it doesn’t always work out like that (G with her granny slacks who I admit did scrub up okay on social night ended up cosying up to S, who just happens to be a total hottie). Just because ‘scientific research’ states that people tend to like those who look similar to them doesn’t mean there aren’t numerous exceptions to the rule. I’m a perfect example; I usually go for the blonde, blue-eyed Hitler’s perfect Aryan fantasies of which I look the exact opposite. Meanwhile JV has gotten herself an instant boyfriend out of D in about two hours. There she is bouncing off the wall and talking incessantly about him every chance she gets while I sit and lament the loss of a non-existent love affair. I’m happy for her, seriously I am, and it’s not like I want to make a move on her man, but it sucks for me to see someone attached so quickly and successfully.

Why do I always fall for the ones out of my reach?

I keep telling myself I have a hell of a lot of years of frivolous romance ahead of me (“I’ve got all my life to live and I’ve got all my love to give…”) but right now, I’m having a bit of trouble convincing myself.

Fuck, I don’t want to die alone.

Just the other day I was walking down a deserted street in the lonesome part of town. I came across a red brick building set with yellowing windows, all dirty and cracked. On the pane of opaque glass in the middle, scrawled in crude black marker, was a prosaic message just for me: such is life.

0Comments:

Post a Comment

<< Home